In an essay on self-respect, Joan Didion comments on the tendency of our Minds to repeatedly review the seemingly endless list of errors and betrayals on our part. She describes each of us as …
“… an unwilling audience of one to an interminable documentary that details one’s failings, real and imagined, with fresh footage, spliced in for every screening.”
This comment reads true in relation to every hurt or loss I have experienced and every hurt or loss I may have caused. Even after an age, I catch the Mind stretching back and back and back in search of fresh evidence against me. It becomes essential that I constantly invent games to bring it back here, to this second happening right now.
The simplest game is the act of walking. Getting my socks and shoes on and setting out on a path, going nowhere but back to the repetitive rhythmic cycles of one breath after the other. In. Pause. Out. Pause. Repeat. Tuning into the flow of heel-ball-toe, heel-ball-toe of one foot on the ground following another. Noticing the arms join in with a swing. Looking up at the sky, the tops of trees and buildings, looking down at the browning grass and tiny yellow wildflowers, glowing despite no water. The sun shining on one side of my face and that eye squinting.
Off goes the Mind again, “We used to walk together and …”. Come back my dear drifting Mind. A few words in my back pocket wait to be called upon. They quietly fall in synch with the beat of my feet.
Left. Right. Left. Right.
Patience. Patience.
Let it be. Let it be.
It’s love. It’s love.
I am. I am.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Thank you. Thank you.
For the legs that know my walk, the eyes that admire the unnameable colours of the sea.
For the ears that appreciate the cry of the gulls.
For the skin on my face that is soothed by the cool breeze.
For the fragrance of lavender that it carries.
For this second within which all this is.
For the heart that does all it can to keep the Mind at ease.
For the inner voice that gently pushes the door to self-respect open.
Sweetheart, you’re good. You did the best you could.