“You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world,” James Baldwin reflected, “but then you read.”
I asked about the gifts they have received from their child’s life. These answers came forth from mothers and fathers in the Circle of Remembrance. I hope some of them will resonate with you. (Voices anonymised and blended. Names imagined.)
Ann: Because of her atypical nature, initially she didn’t fit my dreams. She came with lots of challenging behaviours. But then, she taught me a whole new level of love. She saw the world in a completely different way and forced me to be fully present. She showed me the depth of pure unconditional love.
Ruth: For the first two years I was mostly angry. My human-self was in a big fight with my spiritual-self. It’s been very hard, but over the last few years of living with the grief and the horror, I realised I had to reach out to my son, not just with my heart but also my spirit. I used to think of spiritual matters lightly but now they give me my connection with my son – this is a real gift. He made me think about things – he was very thoughtful. I often felt he was right in what he said, in the insights he gave me. He was interested in a lot and was very interesting to be around. I often find myself thinking, “What would he say…?”
Paul: She was my first child. I felt a love that I didn’t understand existed before – a fierce love. I had her for 26 years. She didn’t let things worry her. She had a remarkable calmness about her – I’ve learned both patience and that easy attitude from her. I’m just grateful to have had her as mine. I miss my identity as her Dad.
Jack: He was and is my greatest teacher. He changed me completely. Everything is different now. A cleansing of my soul. I can appreciate simple, subtle things now. The angle at which the light touches the ground, the way a branch extends itself out from a tree, the ever-changing colours in the sky, the shape of a leaf, how the breeze touches my skin. It took some time but finally I am learning to be kind to myself. This is new for me. But of course, I’d have him back in a jiffy.
He brought a sense of fun and joy. I owe it to him to keep that spark alive. His friends. His cat, who is forever playful, extremely naughty and cute.
Jo: Everything that’s been said resonates with me, especially about first-borns. Seven and a half years have passed. He was also my first born. I had no idea I could love someone that much! Looking back, behind this unfathomable loss, I’m now focusing more on his being – how he loved music, how spiritual, almost mystical, he was. I know now, how fragile life is. I knew he was suffering but I’ve come to accept that there are some things that you can’t understand. Not all things can be explained.
In the early years the pain overshadowed the love. Now I’m able to revisit memories, feel the bitter-sweetness and be grateful. The expansion of love is now bigger than the stab of pain. Even though it hurts I can feel that shift. I have gained an inner strength I can share with the world.
“Someone I loved
Once gave me
a box full of
darkness.
It took me years
to understand
that this, too,
was a gift.”
– By Mary Oliver.